“How come I’m dragging your ass to the mall on a Saturday, Sammy?” Dean grumbled as he pulled open the oversized glass door.
“We’ve been over this, Dean,” Sam huffed as he blew the hair out of his eyes. “It’s because you won’t let me drive your precious car, and this is the closest place on Mr. Zimmerman’s list to get the supplies I need for my project. Unless you want to drive into Manhattan?”
“No way! This place is close enough to New York as it is. I can’t believe Dad had to come here for a hunt.”
“Well, I suppose people need help everywhere, Dean.”
Dean’s eye caught a poster on the wall as they walked through the mall, and he put a hand on Sam’s chest to stop him. “Whoa…would you look at that. Dr. Drake Ramoray is going to be here in this mall signing autographs, and look at the date on this thing. He’s here today…this thing starts in thirty minutes. You’re on your own, Sammy. I gotta go see this guy.”
“To get a doctor’s autograph? Why? What did he do, cure cancer? Oh, I know,” Sam said with a smirk. “Did he find a way for people to eat all of the cheeseburgers and pie they want without getting indigestion?”
A dreamy look briefly crossed Dean’s face. “No, but I bet he could if he wanted to. He has the most amazing life story, so much better than the story of that douche bag from the same town that left after a near fatal accident because of he couldn’t get over his ex-girlfriend.”
“What the hell are you talking about, Dean?” Sam asked, confusion plastered across his face.
“Dr. Drake. Geesh, keep up, Sammy! Everyone thought he died a few years ago. He fell down an elevator shaft and had so much neurological damage that the only neurologist that could have saved him was obviously himself, and that wasn’t going to happen, so everyone thought he died, but really he had just been in this coma for years, and then, miraculously, he had a brain transplant and came back!”
Sam’s look changed from confusion to incredulity. “Dean! There is no such thing as a brain transplant. If there were, it would have been all over the news.”
Dean looked askance at his brother as they continued to walk through the mall. “Of course not, nitwit, not in real life! But Dr. Drake is on TV, on Days of Our Lives, one of the best freakin’ shows ever!”
“Is this like the Clooney thing?” Sam asked with a laugh.
“No way, Sammy,’’ Dean answered with a shit-eating grin. “This is even better because I’m going to meet Joey Tribbiani today!”
“Wait. Who is Joey Tribbiani?” Sam asked, once again confused. “I thought you were going to meet some TV doctor.”
“He’s the actor who plays Dr. Drake. Seriously, Sam. Try to keep up. Look! There he is! I can’t believe my luck. Let’s go!” Dean exclaimed as he grabbed his brother by the shirt and pulled him across the concourse.
“Oh god, Dean. Please don’t embarrass me.”
“Hey, Joey!” Dean shouted and waved. “Dr. Drake. How you doing?!”
“So, tell me again why you are going to the mall with me? You guys hate the personal appearance things. I hate these personal appearance things. People get weird. The best thing about them is I get free sandwiches out of the deal,” Joey said while walking down the mall concourse with Ross Geller at his side.
“I told you, I got a call at the museum from some guy asking about chupacabras, some mythical creature. Supposedly, some people think they are dog-like. This guy thinks they are some sort of ancient reptile, and he wanted to pick my brain, and if there is some ancient reptile in the area, maybe they’re related to dinosaurs somehow. It could be a cool discovery, if I could get in on it.”
“So, what does that have to do with a Mexican sandwich…which we are now totally getting when we're done with this thing.” Joey got a faraway look in his eye as he thought about going to get his favorite food.
“What?” Ross, like most people, was confused by what Joey was talking about.
“The Mexican sandwich. The chalupa.”
“Not a chalupa, Joey, a chupacabra. It is a creature, which this guy said he was hunting, and now that I think about it, that is kind of weird.”
“Of course it’s weird,” Joey pointed out. “Why hunt for a Mexican sandwich when you can find it at every Taco Bell around?”
“Joey, I told you. You know what, never mind,” Ross said, exasperated, as he glanced across the hall to see two guys angling their way toward them. “It looks like your adoring public has found you.”
“Hey, Joey! Dr. Drake. How you doing?!”
“So at first, Joey thought Dean was hitting on him using his own pick up line,” Gabriel said, wiping tears of laughter out of his eyes, ”but once they started trading sandwich secrets, they talked for so long that Joey almost missed his appearance.”
“Yeah, it was kind of funny,” Sam said with his own laugh, “and once I realized Dr. Geller was a paleontologist, I picked his brain, too. Got an ‘A’ on my school project.”
“Sammy, you would’ve gotten an ‘A’ even without the help of that museum nerd,” Dean observed. Grabbing a handful of Skittles out of the archangel’s bag, he continued, “And where were you that you managed to be able to share that little tale?”
“Well, being a janitor never goes out of style,” Gabriel answered. Giving Crowley a long look he continued, “There’s garbage everywhere to clean up, and no one really pays attention to the people who have to do the dirty work.”
“I’ll second that,” Sam answered as he grabbed the empty beer bottles and headed to the kitchen to get more.
“Of course, Dean-o,” Gabriel said, “there is another TV doctor that even Sasquatch here doesn’t know about.”
“What?” Crowley said mockingly. “Dean is keeping something from Moose? I’m shocked!”
“Zip it, Crowley,” Sam snapped, walking back into the room with another round of beers. “Like a TV doctor is the worst thing Dean ever kept from me? It’s not like he ever told me about the rest of these guys right away. So, who is it this time, Dean? Someone on the sci-fi side like Dr. McCoy or Dr. Who? Or maybe a baddie like Dr. Evil or Dr. Horrible? Oh, I know! Maybe it’s a nerd like Dr. Sheldon Cooper!”
“Nice try, kiddo,” Gabriel laughed, tossing back some Junior Mints, “but this one has a bit more in common with you knuckleheads than either of you would care to admit.”
Dean leaned back against the pillow with a sigh. Sam was off at Best Buy getting his geek on, and he had a rare few moments to himself in the motel to relax. Not much to do, but channel surfing was always an option. Of course, even with free cable, you could have eighty channels and still have nothing to watch on a Tuesday afternoon.
“OK, I can live with M*A*S*H reruns,” Dean said to an empty room as he dropped the remote on the bed next to him. “Because Days of Our Lives is not the same since Dr. Drake Ramoray rejected his brain transplant and went to that big hospital in TV Land heaven.”
Dean watched in contented silence for a few minutes before muttering, “Charles Emerson Winchester III. No freakin’ way that dude is a Winchester. He is too arrogant, rude, and annoying.”
“I thought arrogant, rude, and annoying were the three legs of the stool that you Winchesters sat on?”
Dean whipped his head around to see Gabriel casually lying on the other bed, head propped up on his arm, cheeky grin plastered on his face.
“What the hell are you doing here?” Dean snarled. “I thought we left you behind in Ohio.”
“Oh, you’re bored and alone. I’m bored and alone,” Gabriel answered in a sing-song voice. “I thought to myself, why not?”
“I’ll tell you why not. I will fry your ass in holy oil, that’s why,” Dean growled as he jumped off the bed.
“You think I didn’t send that off into Never-Neverland before I landed here, bucko? I’m not an idiot.”
“No, you just play one on TV,” Dean muttered.
“Speaking of which, it seems as though Dr. Sexy is not the only TV doctor that our Dean-o here seems to like,” Gabriel purred as he glanced back at the television.
“What? Winchester? No way!” Dean protested. “He is an arrogant dick!”
Gabriel raised an eyebrow. “Like I said, not the only Winchester that could be described that way, but this show isn’t just about one doctor, and if I look up close and personal into your VCR, I see a deep and abiding fascination with doctors that doesn’t begin or end with Dr. Sexy. I should’ve known.”
“Should’ve known what?” Dean asked nervously.
“Oh, this is going to be fun,” Gabriel chuckled as he raised his hand to snap his fingers.
Dean held up his hands and frantically waved them at the Trickster. “No, no…not again…”
The next thing he knew, Dean found himself lying on the ground, looking up at the engine of a vehicle, a Jeep most likely. The heat and humidity were suddenly oppressive, and as he wiped his face, his hand came back with oil in addition to sweat. Well, he thought to himself, at least this seems like something he should be able to handle this time.
He heard a rumble in the distance that didn’t quite sound like thunder, and then someone was standing at the edge of the Jeep, and a voice that sounded somewhat familiar bellowed, “Rizzo, is that Jeep going to be ready soon? I want to leave today, not next week!”
Dean slid out from under the Jeep and stood up. ”Winchester. Charles Winchester,” he sputtered.
“That’s Major or Doctor to you, Rizzo,” the man said as his eyes narrowed on Dean. “Now when is that blasted Jeep going to be ready? I want to leave for Seoul today, so I can make the best use of my R & R!”
“Dammit, Gabriel! I’m going to kill you for this,” Dean muttered as he spun around to check on the condition of the Jeep.
“What’s that, man?” Charles bellowed. “Speak clearly. You can’t go through life muttering.”
“The Jeep is not ready, sir,” Dean answered through gritted teeth, as he wiped more sweat off his brow.
“What?” exclaimed the major in frustration as he began pacing. “Why not? Colonel Potter explicitly said I could have one today.”
“This one ain’t ready,” Dean pointed out. “Unless you want one without a fully functioning engine. There is oil leaking out of her, and until I can fix it, you’re out of luck.”
“Well then, give me another one,” the doctor said, as if it were that simple.
Dean glanced around the motor pool. “There is only one working Jeep left, sir, and I can’t leave the 4077 without a vehicle while you are on leave.”
“That is unacceptable!” Major Winchester growled while pointing to the Jeep Dean had just been under. “Fix it!”
Dean plastered on his best smile as he remembered where he was. “Pardon, sir, but unless you’re a magician and your finger is a magic wand, you pointing at it and telling me to fix it is about as good as telling your tent mates to close down the still.”
“Why. I. Never.” Charles sputtered out as his face began to turn red.
“I just bet you haven’t,” Dean answered as he casually wiped off his tools.
As the pair continued to go round and round, neither of the men noticed the approach of Colonel Potter.
“Winchester!” bellowed Potter.
“What?!” they both shouted while turning to look at the Commanding Officer.
“He was speaking to me.” Major Winchester glanced at Dean with both curiosity and disdain before continuing, “Is there something that I can help you with, Colonel?”
“If you could quit your arguing for a gosh darn minute, I may have a solution for your dilemma.”
“Dilemma, sir? There is no dilemma,” the major answered calmly. “This man simply needs to give me the Jeep you promised me.”
“Cut the bull crap, Winchester! They can hear you two arguing all the way back at HQ!” Potter exclaimed, nearly getting into the major’s face. “Now, I can spare Rizzo for few hours. He can take you over to the 8063rd, and you can use one of their Jeeps to get to Seoul. Just know, I am only doing this to get you out of my hair for a few days. Capiche?”
“Ride with this cretin?” Charles asked incredulously, looking at Dean.
“Would you rather walk?” Potter asked. Turning to go he added, “I’m afraid that’s the best we can do. Take it or leave it.”
“Fine,” Charles grudgingly agreed. “I will take it. I am ready when you are, Rizzo.”
Dean bit back a chuckle. “Your chariot awaits, sir. Just remember, driver picks the music, shotgun shuts his cakehole.”
“What music? There is no music in these horrible contraptions.” Winchester threw his bags in the back as he climbed in the passenger seat.
“Probably for the best,” Dean acknowledged as he started the Jeep up. “We would probably have to listen to something awful, like K-pop.”
“K-pop? Whatever is that?” the major asked. “If it is anything like the Boston Pops, then yes, I am sure that someone like you would find it quite distasteful.”
“Someone like me?” Dean asked slightly offended as he pulled out of the M*A*S*H unit. He shook his head slightly as he couldn’t believe what passed for roads in rural Korea. “Dude, how do you even know what someone like me is like? You haven’t even taken five minutes to get to know me.”
“But you presume to know me?” his passenger replied with a sideways glance.
“I think I know a thing or two about Major Charles Emerseon Winchester III.”
“Oh, pray tell,” Charles replied with a roll of the eyes. He then grabbed onto the side of the Jeep as they hit a large hole in the road. “And watch where you are going.”
“Hey, complain to the Chinese about the road conditions, not me. They’re the ones bombing the place,” Dean snapped back as he swerved to avoid another road hazard. “So, about you. Your’re from Boston. You were at Boston General, Chief of Thoracic Surgery there. You have a sister. You like pranks, and you think you are above all of this, but you still like Marvel comics and the Three Stooges because well, dude, who doesn’t?”
“How could you possibly know all of that?” Winchester asked incredulously. “And I beg to differ. I do not like Marvel comics. I like Captain Marvel.”
“Whatever, you might want to re-think Marvel comics in the future,” Dean said with a knowing smile. “And I know all of that because, dude, I know my tele…I pay attention, okay. I’m not some oaf in the motor pool.”
“You surprise me, Rizzo,” Winchester admitted begrudgingly. “You are not the lowlife from Louisiana I thought you were.”
“Well, if we are being honest, I’ve told people that you give all Winchesters a bad name, but I don’t think that’s the truth.”
“What does it matter to you if Winchesters have a bad name?” Charles asked, looking at Dean more closely than he had before. “And exactly how many Winchesters do you know?”
“The answers to all of that would surprise you too, dude,” Dean said with his cheeky grin as he pulled into the 8063rd, “but you don’t have time for that. Your next chariot awaits.”
“So, did Gabriel bring you back after that?” Sam asked as he brought in a pizza and some beers to the group, placing them just short of Crowley’s reach.
“Are you kidding, Samsquatch? I joined him for a bit first. We had to have some quality time with the nurses, and of course, Hawkeye, B.J. and the still.”
Sam gave his brother one of his classic bitchfaces. “So, you partied with Gabriel in TV Land and never told me about it?”
“It was a once in a lifetime opportunity, Sammy! I’m supposed to turn that down?” Dean replied. “Besides, as I recall, you were too busy buying geek toys to care.”
Sam opened his mouth to reply, but didn’t have a good answer so just sat down next to his brother in defeat.
“You know, boys, that’s all well and good, but I’m still chained here to the bloody chair and table, I can’t see the TV, and you haven’t even given me a lousy beer, let alone some Scotch,” Crowley moaned while trying to lean closer to the food and drink spread out before him.
“Well, boo hoo. You are just going to have to suck it up, buttercup. We already told you, this isn’t about entertaining you,” Dean replied with a smirk. Turning to the others he added, “But we are going to have to find something to watch. You know there aren’t that many good TV doctor shows on right now. I’m all caught up on Dr. Sexy. Any ideas?”
“Well, technically, most of the guys on The Big Bang Theory are doctors,” Sam said with a hint of hope in his voice. “We could watch that.”
“Those guys are a bunch of geeks,” Dean said with a chuckle as he picked a slice of pizza, but he turned the channel to the show as he did so.
“Won’t that be like watching a bunch of Moose?” Crowley griped from his position across the room.
“I know,” Gabriel said with a smile as he popped a lollipop into his mouth. “It’s going to be wonderful!”
That is a quote from the pilot episode of Doogie Houser, M.D.
In Season 2, Episode 2 of ER, there was a clueless intern by the name of Dr. Barinski played by Richard Speight Jr. The rest was creative license.
Eric Brady in Days of Our Lives, played by Jensen Ackles, left Salem after a near-fatal accident when he could not get over his ex-girlfriend (yes, because it is a soap, it is much more complicated than that but who has the time?) This by the way occurred shortly before the fictional Dr Drake Ramoray would have returned to Days of Our Lives in the Friends storyline.
In M*A*S*H, Sgt. Rizzo was in charge of the motor pool and from Louisiana. This is the character that Dean gets dumped into by Gabriel. I refer to him by either Dean or Rizzo. To try to minimize confusion, I refer to Major Charles Emerson Winchester III by his full name, major, doctor, Charles or Winchester.
And the fact that I know all of this, as well as anything else hinted at or implied in this story, is why my RL friends call me The Queen of Cable.